A New Opportunity

 I almost don't want to write this in fear of being jinxed and having this possible opportunity taken away from me. I've spent the last few months trying to process what Mayo has planned for me in terms of tackling this cancer. Now, after speaking with Dr. Tseng, another plan could be in my future. 

I can't speak for all cancers but this one is definitely hard to swallow. There are no knowns. No one can tell me how many rounds of chemo or how many rounds of radiation for sure will help or not help. Sometimes, what works for one person with this exact same cancer, does not work for another person. It's all a game of chance, luck, and destiny. 

Maybe that is what I'm supposed to learn from all this? To have faith and to leap without knowing the outcome. In all honesty, I don't have too much of a choice but learning to accept that I am not in control is a choice. Some days are harder than others to live with that fact. Especially, since I've spent all of my life just trying to control every aspect down to the smallest detail. Now, I have zero control, it's all in someone else's hands.

I might have a new opportunity on my plate. I hope and pray that I have this opportunity on my plate. From what Dr. Tseng has told me, he feels confident he can perform this surgery. He explained that he would have to open me from the front right side of my abdomen, and the back right buttock to cut the tumor in two and pull it from the sciatic notch. He would scoop out all of my blood vessels as they are compromised, my arteries he says from looking at scans, look to be unattached to the tumor, and he would have a neurosurgeon on standby to go around my nerve roots. He said he would literally hand peel the tumor off of my rectum and shave down all the bone that has been touched by the tumor. He said he expects this to be a 10-12 hour surgery from start to finish. If this is actually possible, then I feel this is my very best shot at beating this beast or at least, beating it for a time. 

He knows that he will not get the wide margins that you normally would need to get with this type of cancer but he thinks/hopes since chemo is working that the area around the tumor would also be dead and killing off the cells. I can only hope he is right.

He told me I would never have a large tumor again as they would forever monitor me going forward and any new occurrences or spread would be smaller tumors and hopefully easier to treat. Dr. Tseng said he would be discussing my case at the USC tumor board on Tuesday and after that, I should know more. Whether or not they for sure want to hold off on radiation until after surgery, do it before, or have a different plan altogether. I truly hope that he will still feel confident in doing this procedure. As scary as it is, my friend is right…big risk could equal big rewards. 

If this route is for sure offered to me then the next steps begin. Planning a trip to Los Angeles in the middle of a pandemic…during election time. Please, God, save us all. I will have to stay there for at least a month to heal and do some follow up tests and scans before I can come back home. This means being away from my children, husband, friends… All the people that make this fight worth it. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this will be. I try not to let my mind go there. 

No matter which path I choose, I have to place all of my faith, confidence, and life into someone else's hands. I can't being to explain to you how terrifying that is. 

I sent a message to my radiation doctor about the approach that Tseng would like to take and she completely disagreed. She said that she would like to attempt to kill the tumor with definitive radiation and then down the line if surgery is pursued, do the hemipelvectomy and hemisacretomy. Thus, losing my right pelvis, half my sacrum, and my entire right leg. I sent my radiation doctors' response to Dr. Tseng to see if he could elaborate as to why their approaches are so vastly different. His reply was that they may decide to radiation before his surgery and he would discuss it all at his tumor board on Tuesday and that he would speak with me again after that. 

Now, I feel left wondering if his route is even an option. If it is, I feel like if I choose the wrong path it will not only be detrimental to myself and my future but to all of you out there who love me. I can only hope that I make the right decision and that that decision is actually available to me. My gut says that Tseng's approach if he is still confident in it, is the right way to go. As scary and difficult as it may be to do, I think he has the skill and knowledge to get me through to the other side. I pray he can do exactly what he says he can. 

Please continue your prayers for my family and that this possibility is still on the table for us. Love to you all!