Escape

 I decided I needed to get away for a bit. When I was younger I was super independent and did things whenever I wanted. I earned the money, took care of Connor, and the house so I never had to think about an impromptu road trip or just an escape.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, my home, my pets, and friends. But, I needed some time to dedicate to myself. I need to get right with God and get right with Toni.

 

It’s been a great day. I found a recreational area along county road O that I had no idea even existed. I pulled over to explore a bit.

 

I went and spent some quality time with my brother. I pulled up and got out to the biggest hug, a real, genuine hug. I needed that. It felt like a deep connection that because of our upbringing we just don’t typically have. There’s always been a lot of tension in our family so that created trust issues even with one another. So, this hug, as simple as a hug is, meant a great deal to me and my heart and soul needed it.

 

We did some hiking. Which was nice but difficult. I’m glad after the fact that I got out in nature and enjoyed the sunshine, woods, and water.

 

I drove around for a few hours blasting music and singing my heart out. A favorite pastime of mine. Especially when you FEEL the lyrics. Do you ever do that? I just let the words hit my heart and let those feelings and thoughts flow.

 

Oddly, I was headed towards Eau Claire from River Falls but I’d exit to go explore some towns I’d never been to and would end up on a backroad in the sticks, lost, then manage o find the highway only to see that I made a big circle. So I’d pass the exit I took to get to said little town.

 

At first, I was slightly annoyed. I kept thinking I was suppose to be getting farther away. Then it was like my “higher self” was yelling at me, “it’s not about the distance, it’s about the journey.” I looked up at a semi that pulled in front of me and it had a big sunflower on it and just like that I was happy because my journey so far today has been great.

 

The time on the road just being me without judgment, or comments, or having to compromise has been exactly what I wanted and needed. I can just be Toni. Not wife, mother, friend, just me. As loud, carefree, weird, and deep as I want to be.

 

I found a geocache in a beautiful little cemetery. I noticed a large tombstone with a younger couples photo on it with a beautiful saying. It read, “A life we’ve walked, a road we’ve paved, a promise once was made. A promise as kept, hand in hand, from young to old, our love shall be eternal.”

 

I stood there contemplating those words, obviously from a spouse to the other. I looked around the cemetery, the grass so neatly cut, a few tall narrow trees for shade. It was such a perfect moment realizing how much love was/is there. But even love cannot stop our destinies. The world keeps on turning. And we all end up in that eternal (loving) resting place. Back to earth.

 

As I pulled away, I felt more thoughtful. Each day you wake up is a chance to start fresh, try again, better yourself. Each day is a reason to really live. If you’re comfortable each day, are you trying/striving for better? I don’t want to be “comfortable” I want to be excited! I want to see more, do more, feel more. I want to push my own personal boundaries. How do you grow without reaching out for “bigger and better” things? They don’t have to be bigger and better in a physical sense. Better to me is less stuff and more experiences. Like the hug with my brother. I won’t forget that hug. It was genuine and now it’s a treasure I’ll hold. I want more things that actually mean something.

 

How many days I wasted feeling scared, anxious, depressed because of something that in the big picture means absolutely nothing. I’m living more now than I ever have. I’m waking up with purpose, with energy, with drive. I never use to feel that way.

 

I ended up, after hours of driving, in Woodbury. I stopped at a hotel but they were too expensive for as late as I was checking in so I found another ten minutes away.

 

I got checked in, took a hot bath while I listened to calming music. I ordered Carbones Pizza and wings (my favorite) and decided to write. I’m hoping to write some poetry. Do some reading and meditation.  I’m also hoping I find more cool places to explore tomorrow and see where I end up.

 

There’s so much of this world just waiting to be seen and there’s so much of myself yearning to see it. There’s parts of myself I’m looking for too. Maybe with a little time to myself, I can find those pieces I’m searching for.